laughing with tears in my eyes
A good friend once remarked that sometimes it's hard to eat the food on the plate that God's offered you. "No thanks, God. I'd rather not eat this. The food looks dry and unsavory. I'd rather have one of those, please. What she's eating over there. It looks much tastier, easier to digest. What, God? That's not for me? You prepared this plate just for me?
About six weeks ago, Steve was offered a job. It wasn't just any job, but one that would give him experiences relating to the Middle East, and most of all, he'd be working for a man that Steve respects. We asked for prayer, we prayed ourselves and with each round of interviews (he even interviewed the wife of his boss), God seemed to be opening doors. We took that as confirmation that this was his will.
At the time, we had concerns about the job. Steve would be working as an aide to the deputy commander at Centcom. We knew that his boss is a family man, but we also knew that the job would be demanding, both on him and on our family.
Steve took the job by faith. He finished his interviews and then Steve was on the job the next day. We couldn't have predicted what kind of change his job would have on our family life, but after a week, we felt shell-shocked. The kids were asking when Daddy would be home. I was just hoping that they'd even get to see him that night. Some nights, he doesn't get home until ten. I fell to pieces emotionally, crying almost every night, though I wasn't sure why I was so emotional.
A week later, we found out. We are pregnant. God, why now? How is this going to work?
So explains my silence. I have not had much time to think, reflect on, take in or be quiet in the idea of being pregnant again. More emotions have surfaced, some sadness in remembering our sweet Evelyn, but also fears that have crowded out and around the joy that we feel in having another chance at a fourth child.
God is good. If I believe that, I need to believe that what he gives is good. I think it was Elizabeth Elliot who said that everything we receive into our days has been filtered through his Sovereign Grace (paraphrased). The job, the baby, is not my timing. But God's ways are higher than ours, according to Isaiah.
At twelve weeks, the initial ultrasound shows that the baby is healthy, free of any defect. My uneasiness has continued, however, and I realized that my fears extend to virtually any chance of loss, defect, sickness. It could happen at any time.
During our time with Evelyn, Steve and I talked a lot about hope. What was our hope? Why do we have hope? How can we have hope in such difficult times?
My hope is in Christ, not in a perfect baby. We are praying for a whole, healthy little once, but if God chooses differently, our hope is still intact. He is good. He loves us. He is faithful to equip us and provide for all of our needs (Philippians)
I am in a season that is harder on my body and heart than almost any other time, except the time Steve was deployed for a year. I am seeing things rise up in me that I do not like (anger, fear, self-pity) and I feel such a need for God. A desperation to be held by Him, led by Him, comforted by Him. I know in my head that this is where I need to be (in a place of utter dependence), but my heart kicks and screams against this tedious trial. Every day is a challenge to care for the kids, the puppy, my body.
Verses come through scripture and I know that I am not alone:
8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our[a] behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
So this is a story without an ending. I am stuck in the middle, but I am stuck also with His glorious grace. Like laughing with tears running down my face.
And so by His grace, I say thank you, Lord, for,
#71 A chance to "see" Steve and talk with him on Skype while he's in the middle east.
#72 Zerberts
#73 Abigail belting out "Jesus Loves Me" from the backseat of the car
#74 Evening walks with Emmy
#75 Music
#76 Kids waking up late this morning
#77 the counsel of a wise woman
#78 Lydia's cartwheels
#79 Nathanael running like the wind to first base
#80 laughing with tears in my eyes
#81 a card from a special friend, joy to walk the journey together...
#82 a little hand waving up on the screen, "Hi mom!"
#83 each new day, Your grace never gets used up
About six weeks ago, Steve was offered a job. It wasn't just any job, but one that would give him experiences relating to the Middle East, and most of all, he'd be working for a man that Steve respects. We asked for prayer, we prayed ourselves and with each round of interviews (he even interviewed the wife of his boss), God seemed to be opening doors. We took that as confirmation that this was his will.
At the time, we had concerns about the job. Steve would be working as an aide to the deputy commander at Centcom. We knew that his boss is a family man, but we also knew that the job would be demanding, both on him and on our family.
Steve took the job by faith. He finished his interviews and then Steve was on the job the next day. We couldn't have predicted what kind of change his job would have on our family life, but after a week, we felt shell-shocked. The kids were asking when Daddy would be home. I was just hoping that they'd even get to see him that night. Some nights, he doesn't get home until ten. I fell to pieces emotionally, crying almost every night, though I wasn't sure why I was so emotional.
A week later, we found out. We are pregnant. God, why now? How is this going to work?
So explains my silence. I have not had much time to think, reflect on, take in or be quiet in the idea of being pregnant again. More emotions have surfaced, some sadness in remembering our sweet Evelyn, but also fears that have crowded out and around the joy that we feel in having another chance at a fourth child.
God is good. If I believe that, I need to believe that what he gives is good. I think it was Elizabeth Elliot who said that everything we receive into our days has been filtered through his Sovereign Grace (paraphrased). The job, the baby, is not my timing. But God's ways are higher than ours, according to Isaiah.
At twelve weeks, the initial ultrasound shows that the baby is healthy, free of any defect. My uneasiness has continued, however, and I realized that my fears extend to virtually any chance of loss, defect, sickness. It could happen at any time.
During our time with Evelyn, Steve and I talked a lot about hope. What was our hope? Why do we have hope? How can we have hope in such difficult times?
My hope is in Christ, not in a perfect baby. We are praying for a whole, healthy little once, but if God chooses differently, our hope is still intact. He is good. He loves us. He is faithful to equip us and provide for all of our needs (Philippians)
I am in a season that is harder on my body and heart than almost any other time, except the time Steve was deployed for a year. I am seeing things rise up in me that I do not like (anger, fear, self-pity) and I feel such a need for God. A desperation to be held by Him, led by Him, comforted by Him. I know in my head that this is where I need to be (in a place of utter dependence), but my heart kicks and screams against this tedious trial. Every day is a challenge to care for the kids, the puppy, my body.
Verses come through scripture and I know that I am not alone:
8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our[a] behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
So this is a story without an ending. I am stuck in the middle, but I am stuck also with His glorious grace. Like laughing with tears running down my face.
And so by His grace, I say thank you, Lord, for,
#71 A chance to "see" Steve and talk with him on Skype while he's in the middle east.
#72 Zerberts
#73 Abigail belting out "Jesus Loves Me" from the backseat of the car
#74 Evening walks with Emmy
#75 Music
#76 Kids waking up late this morning
#77 the counsel of a wise woman
#78 Lydia's cartwheels
#79 Nathanael running like the wind to first base
#80 laughing with tears in my eyes
#81 a card from a special friend, joy to walk the journey together...
#82 a little hand waving up on the screen, "Hi mom!"
#83 each new day, Your grace never gets used up
This is beautiful. You are beautiful! I needed to hear this today so I am so glad you decided to write it today. Yay that the baby is healthy. Continuing to pray for all of you...
ReplyDeleteSending love.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles, Adrienne! God has used you and your vulnerability on this blog to speak to me time and again. So grateful to hear the good news about a healthy baby! lots of love to you!
ReplyDeleteSarah