Wonderfully and Fearfully Made
Steve and I met at the perinatal clinic for our genetic counseling and a Level 2 Ultrasound. I felt very apprehensive going in, but at the same time, I felt good that we are taking steps to move ahead in gaining more knowledge and understanding of the baby's health. It's good to feel like you are doing something, when the rest of the time, you feel helpless to do anything.
The Perinatal Clinic is within the maternity ward at the Brandon Regional Hospital, which is only fifteen minutes from our house. Whether or not we'll end up delivering here depends on the type and severity of our baby's condition. There are hospitals within Tampa that are specialized in higher risk deliveries.
In the counseling session, Stephanie, the genetic counselor, explained the tests available (namely the amniocentesis) and how they would assemble a karyotype to show the genetic make up of the baby. She explained that the cystic hygroma more often than not indicates a chromosomal deficiency, namely Turner's Syndrome, Down Syndrome or Trisomy 13 or 18. While there is more of a chance of the baby surviving the first two, the last two are lethal.
We moved into the ultrasound room for the Type 2 ultrasound, a very thorough look at the baby's bone structure, organs, measurements. I was impressed at how many different measurements were included, such as tibia/fibia and left/right kidney. The baby was active, kicking its legs and moving its arms. In spite of the fact that we were there to address the large cyst and possible swelling, we were in wonder at this precious little life shown in grey and white on the screen before us. Steve mentioned later that he kept thinking of the phrase in Psalm 139, "I praise you that I am wonderfully and fearfully made." Even though our baby has apparent abnormalities, he or she is still a wondrous creation-- body, soul and spirit- made in the image of God.
I feel like I am riding on God's grace and love, bolstered by the prayers of friends and family. I honestly don't know how I'm going through this, but I do know that each day, I have made conscious decisions over and over again to believe and trust in God-- that He is good, that He loves us. I am still working out in my heart my thoughts having to do with the questions, Is this situation part of God's plan for us? Is it true to say that God is allowing this pain to come in order to teach me something? I will write more later on my thoughts because my thinking has changed in the last few weeks regarding these questions.
The last part of the day was the amniocentesis. The doctor felt that it was the logical next step and we agreed. After looking at the ultrasound, he confirmed the presence of a large cystic hygroma and abdominal swelling. This we already knew. What we didn't know is that the fluid has spread to the baby's chest, which makes the situation more intensive. Having two spots of fluid accumulation brings a new name, hydrops, and it could bode very badly for the baby. Yet in the same sentence, while he told us to brace ourselves for the worst, he said that in his experience, he has seen miraculous things happen and the swelling go down.
I think the hardest part of all this is being in limbo, straddling the hope for recovery or minimal damage with the possibility of losing the baby completely. This is truly what keeps me on my knees, seeking and relying on the only thing that is keeping my heart above water-- God's grace.
The amniocentesis was quick, compared to the ultrasound. They prepped my belly with Betadine (go, Betadine!) and then used the ultrasound transducer to find where the baby was located. Since the baby's head was close to the lining of my uterus and the pocket in my uterus where a sampling of amniotic fluid could be found was underneath, he drew the fluid right from the cyst. This did not put the baby at risk any more than the other would and it might give earlier results. Although I couldn't watch them poke the needle through my skin, I did see it enter the cyst on the ultrasound screen. It was amazing to see and I couldnt' believe that they filled two small vials with the fluid.
So now, we wait again. It could be up to a week until we find out and then we will get a call to find out the results. So we wait. My friend shared with me today about how in our walk with Christ, we are often called to wait... and to wait with meekness, "for the meek shall inherit the earth..." That means not pushing and kicking against God. Last week, I remember thinking back to a similarly dark and difficult time when Steve was gone in Iraq. I was different then, and I remember resisting and pushing A LOT against God-- I wrestled with God almost the whole time he was gone and it was exhausting in my heart and spirit. I don't want this time to be like that. So I told God that I was done with the pushing and wanted to accept whatever came, trusting in His goodness and love. Perhaps that is why, over and over, as I watched the baby on the screen, I kept thinking of the verses in Psalms that say Lord, you are good and your mercies are everlasting...
Solo Dei gloria....
The Perinatal Clinic is within the maternity ward at the Brandon Regional Hospital, which is only fifteen minutes from our house. Whether or not we'll end up delivering here depends on the type and severity of our baby's condition. There are hospitals within Tampa that are specialized in higher risk deliveries.
In the counseling session, Stephanie, the genetic counselor, explained the tests available (namely the amniocentesis) and how they would assemble a karyotype to show the genetic make up of the baby. She explained that the cystic hygroma more often than not indicates a chromosomal deficiency, namely Turner's Syndrome, Down Syndrome or Trisomy 13 or 18. While there is more of a chance of the baby surviving the first two, the last two are lethal.
We moved into the ultrasound room for the Type 2 ultrasound, a very thorough look at the baby's bone structure, organs, measurements. I was impressed at how many different measurements were included, such as tibia/fibia and left/right kidney. The baby was active, kicking its legs and moving its arms. In spite of the fact that we were there to address the large cyst and possible swelling, we were in wonder at this precious little life shown in grey and white on the screen before us. Steve mentioned later that he kept thinking of the phrase in Psalm 139, "I praise you that I am wonderfully and fearfully made." Even though our baby has apparent abnormalities, he or she is still a wondrous creation-- body, soul and spirit- made in the image of God.
I feel like I am riding on God's grace and love, bolstered by the prayers of friends and family. I honestly don't know how I'm going through this, but I do know that each day, I have made conscious decisions over and over again to believe and trust in God-- that He is good, that He loves us. I am still working out in my heart my thoughts having to do with the questions, Is this situation part of God's plan for us? Is it true to say that God is allowing this pain to come in order to teach me something? I will write more later on my thoughts because my thinking has changed in the last few weeks regarding these questions.
The last part of the day was the amniocentesis. The doctor felt that it was the logical next step and we agreed. After looking at the ultrasound, he confirmed the presence of a large cystic hygroma and abdominal swelling. This we already knew. What we didn't know is that the fluid has spread to the baby's chest, which makes the situation more intensive. Having two spots of fluid accumulation brings a new name, hydrops, and it could bode very badly for the baby. Yet in the same sentence, while he told us to brace ourselves for the worst, he said that in his experience, he has seen miraculous things happen and the swelling go down.
I think the hardest part of all this is being in limbo, straddling the hope for recovery or minimal damage with the possibility of losing the baby completely. This is truly what keeps me on my knees, seeking and relying on the only thing that is keeping my heart above water-- God's grace.
The amniocentesis was quick, compared to the ultrasound. They prepped my belly with Betadine (go, Betadine!) and then used the ultrasound transducer to find where the baby was located. Since the baby's head was close to the lining of my uterus and the pocket in my uterus where a sampling of amniotic fluid could be found was underneath, he drew the fluid right from the cyst. This did not put the baby at risk any more than the other would and it might give earlier results. Although I couldn't watch them poke the needle through my skin, I did see it enter the cyst on the ultrasound screen. It was amazing to see and I couldnt' believe that they filled two small vials with the fluid.
So now, we wait again. It could be up to a week until we find out and then we will get a call to find out the results. So we wait. My friend shared with me today about how in our walk with Christ, we are often called to wait... and to wait with meekness, "for the meek shall inherit the earth..." That means not pushing and kicking against God. Last week, I remember thinking back to a similarly dark and difficult time when Steve was gone in Iraq. I was different then, and I remember resisting and pushing A LOT against God-- I wrestled with God almost the whole time he was gone and it was exhausting in my heart and spirit. I don't want this time to be like that. So I told God that I was done with the pushing and wanted to accept whatever came, trusting in His goodness and love. Perhaps that is why, over and over, as I watched the baby on the screen, I kept thinking of the verses in Psalms that say Lord, you are good and your mercies are everlasting...
Solo Dei gloria....
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