Settle Me, Lord

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you...Jeremiah 1:5

Today was my 15 week OB appointment. I drank down the sickeningly sweet orange soda, then waited for Dr. Whitehead to come in and talk to me. He came after about forty minutes, listened to the baby's heartbeat and then we talked.

Whereas Dr. Fernandez had highlighted the optimistic point of view, Dr. Whitehead left me with no illusions about what could possibly happen with our baby. At the same time, there was refreshing honesty. He showed me pictures of the sonogram and what was most saddening to me was the large size of the cyst "sac" just behind the baby's neck. "This is not good, not good... for a baby so young." While there are times when the cyst resolves itself, or when the prognosis is a normal looking baby with latent chromosomal defects, the size of the cyst was disheartening. He spoke of "lethal compositions of chromosomes," "trimoseme 13 and 18" and about the only situation in which he'd consent to terminating the baby. I felt deflated, exhausted, weak.

When I arrived home, I shared about the news with Annette, my neighbor. She listened with concern, then repeated the words she had shared with me when I first told her about the baby's condition. She said, "I just think that you need to really know, Adrienne, how much God loves you. His will is for health, well-being. We just live in a fallen, sinful world. But you need to remember that He loves you so much."

I had written some thoughts in my journal earlier, from Isaiah 41: Fear not, for I am with you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine...When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you...

On my way home from the doctor's office, I had called Steve and wept over the disheartening perspective I had received earlier from Dr. Whitehead. He listened and was saddened, mostly that I was struggling so much. He called at lunchtime to say that he was coming home. He had shared what was going on with his boss and was told to go home to be with me today. He told me that he had "choked up" when he told his co-workers. I am thankful that they are understanding. When he came home, we hugged for a long time, then talked.

I have only told a few people about what is going on and am waiting to tell my parents and Steve's family. I know they will be very distressed and I want to know more concrete information before we share the news with them. Hopefully, our appointment to get the amniocentesis will come soon. In the meantime, I am praying for God to settle me. I want to be positioned right and allow His love and goodness to frame my thoughts. This is going to be a journey, and one of pain, but in it, I want to find His heart for me and my family.