super mom?
I sent out an email to a few prayer warrior friends, an S.O.S. of sorts. It was almost midnight and I tapped away at the computer keys in the dark, the screen my only light.
Why is it that I wait until I am drowning, the slow-churned outcome of a tight situation colliding with my flesh? I wallow in self-pity, self-absorption, self-righteousness. Why me, Lord? It's so hard on me! I have a right to be complaining, don't I?
My friend writes to me later of her own feelings of self-absorption on a certain day, her griping to her friends and then, the Spirit-led conviction of sin. She asks for forgiveness, according to James 5: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you will be healed..." The irony? That I had not sent her my aforementioned plea for help because I didn't want to expose the muck of my own heart.
Further irony? That in this letter I had not confessed my sin to these prayer warrior friends, who most likely have seen through my veneer of self-righteousness ("My situation is so hard- my anxiety and fear are warranted!")- I did, however, ask them to pray as they felt led and already one has written back acknowledging that my situation reveals a "heart issue."
What is it that God asks of me in this season, when the demands of family, schooling, preparation for selling a home and an overseas move find me in a place of total physical and emotional overwhelm-ment (yes, I just made up a word- it fit!)?
Is it to be "super-mom," to rise up to the challenge with all of my own grit, determination, strength? To submit to the constant strivings of my perfectionist bent until my children, my home and my future bend to fit this idealism?
I am spent. I am utterly exhausted. All of these strivings have not only stressed my heart and spirit, they've led to a disappearance of joy and peace. They've caused my relationship with my family to be strained, to say the least.
We were not meant to live like this.
I am not super mom. I am self-absorbed and I have made an idol out of duties and perfection.
Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me, friends.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me..."
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in the Lord, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God..."
I am praying for eyes to see outside of myself and for a concentration that turns away from navel gazing to a focus on the One who is Sovereign over my life, my family, my marriage, my home and my future.
And my efforts? To focus on being close to Him and giving thanks in all circumstances, even in the ones that just seem wrong, seem utterly incomprehensibly difficult...then to receive the end of this outward-reaching, Spirit-inspired focus-- His presence. The joy and peace that comes from being attached and in close fellowship with Him. That is real living. This is what I long for...
Thank you, sister-friend, for being more honest with me than I have been with you. In your weakness, God used you to convict and inspire me.
"How my eyes see, perspective, is my key to enter into His gates. I can only do so with thanksgiving. If my inner eye has God seeping up through all things, then can't I give thanks for anything? And if I can give thanks for the good things, the hard things, the absolute eerything, I can enter the gates to glory. Living in His presence is fullness of joy-- and seeing shows the way in." Ann Voskamp
Why is it that I wait until I am drowning, the slow-churned outcome of a tight situation colliding with my flesh? I wallow in self-pity, self-absorption, self-righteousness. Why me, Lord? It's so hard on me! I have a right to be complaining, don't I?
My friend writes to me later of her own feelings of self-absorption on a certain day, her griping to her friends and then, the Spirit-led conviction of sin. She asks for forgiveness, according to James 5: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you will be healed..." The irony? That I had not sent her my aforementioned plea for help because I didn't want to expose the muck of my own heart.
Further irony? That in this letter I had not confessed my sin to these prayer warrior friends, who most likely have seen through my veneer of self-righteousness ("My situation is so hard- my anxiety and fear are warranted!")- I did, however, ask them to pray as they felt led and already one has written back acknowledging that my situation reveals a "heart issue."
What is it that God asks of me in this season, when the demands of family, schooling, preparation for selling a home and an overseas move find me in a place of total physical and emotional overwhelm-ment (yes, I just made up a word- it fit!)?
Is it to be "super-mom," to rise up to the challenge with all of my own grit, determination, strength? To submit to the constant strivings of my perfectionist bent until my children, my home and my future bend to fit this idealism?
I am spent. I am utterly exhausted. All of these strivings have not only stressed my heart and spirit, they've led to a disappearance of joy and peace. They've caused my relationship with my family to be strained, to say the least.
We were not meant to live like this.
I am not super mom. I am self-absorbed and I have made an idol out of duties and perfection.
Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me, friends.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me..."
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in the Lord, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God..."
I am praying for eyes to see outside of myself and for a concentration that turns away from navel gazing to a focus on the One who is Sovereign over my life, my family, my marriage, my home and my future.
And my efforts? To focus on being close to Him and giving thanks in all circumstances, even in the ones that just seem wrong, seem utterly incomprehensibly difficult...then to receive the end of this outward-reaching, Spirit-inspired focus-- His presence. The joy and peace that comes from being attached and in close fellowship with Him. That is real living. This is what I long for...
Thank you, sister-friend, for being more honest with me than I have been with you. In your weakness, God used you to convict and inspire me.
"How my eyes see, perspective, is my key to enter into His gates. I can only do so with thanksgiving. If my inner eye has God seeping up through all things, then can't I give thanks for anything? And if I can give thanks for the good things, the hard things, the absolute eerything, I can enter the gates to glory. Living in His presence is fullness of joy-- and seeing shows the way in." Ann Voskamp
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