facedown

We talked for hours, but still our hearts are far from reaching one another. Tears stream. Arms fold across the chest. Friends had given us the advice as newlyweds to hold hands whenever we discussed something difficult. Eleven years later, we sit apart, our hearts separated by a difference in the ways we think, process, respond to the many stressors in our lives. More than that, we have placed walls of separation, defending ourselves from further pain, more hurt. It is as if we are speaking different languages.
Where does the language of grace originate? I speak with words that I know best, natural words of stark honesty, originating in my felt needs and hurts and wants. I think that I am making a good case here. Yet he doesn't respond how I had imagined. He is now on the defensive, ducking from my accusations and complaints. He hears that he is not a good husband, father. That is not my intent. I only wanted him to understand where I am coming from.
I stop, out of words to say. It is as if I have come to the end of a very long pier and there is no where else to go.
I am all alone.
How is it possible to connect when you are living in two different realities each day? One, serving his country within the framework of protocol, policy and national security. The other, serving in her home, teaching and nurturing three kids through daily living. We meet at night, sometimes for thirty minutes, sometimes for a few hours. Sometimes we have weekends. Sometimes we don't. Often, I am parenting on my own. I struggle with my expectations of what I thought marriage would be like, what I thought parenting would be like.
I stop, realizing that instead of building up, I am tearing down. Something needs to change. And it is my heart.
I spend the next week facedown. Literally (which is quite a feat considering the size of my tummy). You begin to see very differently when your nose is pressed to the carpet. It is the position of servanthood. And it is a good place to start over.
The perspective you gain facedown is the realization that apart from God, you really have nothing good. It is understanding that when I retire my expectations of my marriage, my life as a parent and ask Him to give me His expectations, that my emotions do not fly all over the place.
I am steadied.
When I am facedown, I realize that I do not have to walk alone. He goes before me. If I receive this truth, I can accept from my husband what he is able to give. I don't place demands or conditions on love.
When I am facedown, I stop wrestling with God and with myself. I learn to trust, day by day. I learn to let go.
And next time we talk, I am reaching for his hand first.